I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
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I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
We were naked in his bed when he asked me "what should we do?"
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
i think i was tempted to text while we were making out. like i remember holding my phone up behind his head and just staring at it.
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Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
If I'm walking weird, don't judge me. Things got kinda outta hand with the GoPro on.
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
I was supposed to see Marcus tonight and he cancelled. Listen, I shaved my butt hole. Somebody is getting this WAP ππππ
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