I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
Just found out my brother beats off to Lauren Conrad. the Hills will never be the same.
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
Just a smidgen more estrogen and shed be golden
She's got a legit dose of dude going on
No kidding. All she needs is a cheek full of chewing tobacco and I'd have fucked John wayne.
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash