Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
I think you just miss his friendship.
I think it's his ability to give me multiple orgasms.
I think he's an actor
That's not a good enough reason to wear guy-liner
I've decided to have sex with him one more time to make sure I don't like him
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
Randomize
