Question. If Kwik Trip and Kum and Go were to merge, what would they call it? Kwik Kum or Kum Kwik?
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
Are you absolutely against sleeping in your car? Because i've done that before.
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
literally 50% of my time being 20 has involved my genitals thus far
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
this potential sugar daddy just sent me a photo of him butt naked in the woods saying he wants to "grow our spirits together." so i think i found us a new drug dealer!
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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