The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
She stuck a Big Gulp bend-y straw up his ass to see if he could handle anal.
Ew, and?!
Well he couldn't and the deal was he had to drink something using it afterwards.
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
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