Umm I'm too high to move.
I'm the only one here who isn't hooking up, coming out of the closet, or crying because of one of those 2 things.
she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
so when am I gonna get some from you?
when you dick grows 3 inches
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
We have a hundred jello shots. Lines will be crossed.
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
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