I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
she kept peeing on everything and yelling it was now her property.
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
Also, you should've bet on Team Liver.
We won.
USA USA USA
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
Randomize
