I puked a lego.
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
left comments onEVRY SINGLE1of my posts n status updates.Im done dating freshmen
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
We'll I told him I wanted to keep it PG last night, but then later I asked him to take his pants off. So i'm guessing it was my fault.
You made a glowstick headband with a helium balloon tied around it and climbed a tree in high heels. I was impressed.
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
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