Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
He smells like cinnamon, and what I imagine to be orgasms
Is 28 too old to get fingered in Centennial Park? Asking for a friend.
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
i ate her out in full view of all her roomates. the word awkward doesnt even cover it.
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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