and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
All I remember is that I was trying to call my wolf pack by howling.
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
Randomize
