I just answered "If only I knew" for a quiz in criminology, she loved it. I got an A
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
She passed out in the backyard, making "face down" snow angels ... so they could have a smile.
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
Randomize
