Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
She needs to learn she only fits into our friendship as a DD.
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
So ahh..."Multicultural Night" turned into "Fuck the Neighbor Night"
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
I don't wanna be gay for a night.
I think it would be worth it for free alcohol.
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
I just sucked dick on a ferry
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
