i think 'regret' was last night's theme. i could taste it in my mouth and woke up next to it.
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
Dude, she's just using you for your money, and Cavs tickets.
Honestly, what else do I have going for me?
You make a valid point.
the guy that filmed erin andrews naked got 27 months in jail. Every man that's seen it should send him cigs and a nail file baked in a cake. We owe it to him.
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
Yes. I masterbate to Harry Potter. It's what our generation does.
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
