take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
part of me always dies a little when i go to the "2 women seeking 1 man" section in craigslist's casual encounters to find nothing there. it's tragic
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
Good because ass is like 60% of my diet now
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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