She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
the guy was wearing a viagra shirt, i knew what i got myself into.
He asked if he could fuck me while on chat roulette.
We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
I wish we couldve been like jesus and the desiples tongith
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
So I came to the conclusion that who ever pour my ever clear out saved my life
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
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