remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
birth control should be required to get into college
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
Well for starters, her tits were hairy.
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
this is terrible I feel like i'm trapped in a cage with a wild republican
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
Dude, chad is laying across the room, violently, passionately, pornographicly eating something and I seriously think the 'some thing' is fighting back.
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
Randomize
