my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
Learn some fucking English or leave me alone! "Your" is for something that belongs to you, like 'your herpes'. And "you're" is a contraction for "you are", like "you're not sleeping with me".
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
Randomize
