We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
There is a chick wearing some guy's shirt wrapped around her waist as a skirt... She's flashing her panties to everyone as she sings karaoke. You need to get here.
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
I choose my mates solely based on size and ability. No cuddles. No sleep overs. Definitely no repeats.
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
Randomize
