Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
Oh and probably wearing a life jacket instead of clothes didn't help things either
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
Randomize
