Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
I miss you. Just wanted to say that before the drugs kicked in so it's legit.
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
Well there's nothing more unattractive them a naked, soft man crying
Oh good your over him
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real.
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
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