The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
I want to find him again. His Corona tank top and I were made for each other.
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
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