the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
From what I hear, her blowjob factory was runninng at full capacity this weekend.
Our funnel is on top of our neighbors roof.
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
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