Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
He was sucking my nipples then stopped, looked me dead in the eyes and said "im gonna cum for my babygirl"
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
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