My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
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After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
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I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
so i went to the bathroom and my thong was on sideways... i guess that solves the mystery
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
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