i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
it's like her boobs came off with her bra
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And your hair- I'd make sure to pee on it first.
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
Adderal just makes me love life. I want to do so much. I just can't stop thinking about all the wonderful opportunities we have and how lucky we are and I want to make a difference in the world. I just have to reign in my brain and convince it that changing the world starts with a college degree, which depends on studying for these finals.
Idk dude but he said something bout his "dick was gonna be so tan" then he jus jumped out of the car
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It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
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