don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
i wiped a booger on my final. end of semester present.
some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
This is going to be BYOBM Vegas trip: Bring Your Own Bail Money.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
I think I fucked the doubts about us out of him
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
Randomize
