I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
finally nailed that neighbor chick. hopefully i can get her wireless password now. free internet trumps moral standards any day
In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
I tried to stop that, but then I pulled the leaves out of my panties and went to sleep.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
Randomize
