Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
Ok im wearing a joe flacco jersey and full stick on unibrow and hardly anyone else dressed up omg
Omg suz!! take the unibrow off
No! im just getting hammered instead
i think the world will end when pigs can fly. think about it, everyone says blah blah when pigs fly. so shit would be going down if they ever can.
oh fuck your right
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
Well its official I'm an idiot. I made out hardcore with an employee last night in our banquet room. Oh and got wasted at work. Oh and showed my staff squirrel on a trampoline.
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
Is it possible to be drunk burnt? Like sun burnt but from drinking? Cus I think I that's what it feels like
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
It reeks of weed and poor life decisions in here
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
Randomize
