On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
Ever since he's come out, my facebook stalking experience has gotten uncomfortable
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
Randomize
