fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
were lost, were cold and we don't know what to do with the stray cat we found.
She may be a slut, but at least she's a dedicated slut. She's always super tan and has her shit shaved in really cool designs.
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
The goal for tonight is vagina. In and around. Doesn't matter who. How. Or why.
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
Howd last night go?
well he stumbled in my parents door drunk and then asked my mom if she was my grandma. Id say as far as first impressions go, he failed miserably
Randomize
