I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
she peed on how many people?
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
I'll come hang out with you guys later, but right now my parents aren't home and I have to take full advantage of being able to watch porn on full blast.
FYI: Brian said he left me in the bathroom Friday night to shower and 45 minutes later found me with a towel around my head, my pants on and holding my boobs. No more Jell-O shots for me.
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
So why are your hands bright blue and have you seen my roommate.
Both questions will answer each other.
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
Randomize
