I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
i think i have two assholes
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
I am disappointed by everyone's lack of ability to dance on a stripper pole:(
Guys, as my favorite vagina consultants I have to share something.
My professional advice is not to put lemons in your lady pocket.
he was like captain planet, but less blue and more nakeed
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
Hhhaaa He said Peanutburter disinfect lol. Like peanut butter can disinfect stuff. None of those guys are safe
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
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