I showed him my bush... on skype.
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
Found a joint walking to class. I feel like the environment is rewarding me for being green.
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
Randomize