I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
It's pouring out. I am cold, wet, and miserable.... Kind of reminds me of our sleepover last night.
I guess there's some 16 and under softball tournament and they all are at my work. what is a 21 year old to do?
The responsible thing...show them the break room.
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
Guess whose grandma smokes weed?
Randomize
