This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
Have fun at school today. Try to hide that you're a whore. The other girls will like you better that way.
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
And theres a reasonable expectation that if you're fighting over a pair of yoga pants on the ground at VS someones gonna videotape it
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
I dont know but I had two different hospital bands and half a pie when i woke up.
You are like the only girl I know who tells their booty call to go find another girl just cause you want more sleep.
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
Randomize
