She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
I am the poster child for what not to do during sex. Soon they will be calling an undesired position after me
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
WHY AM I ALWAYS DEFEATED BY THE LATIN COCK?!?!
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
New justification for blow: drug week; 'how it's made'
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
I'm pretty sure I made out with a guy in a man thong.
Both of us came out of our rooms at the same time in boxers and sat on the couch. No words were spoken.
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
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