I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
becoming an adult blows. i don't think its possible for me to wake up for anything that doesn't involve kegs and eggs or half naked bums passed out in our yard.
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
come over we're fb stalking guys who were dressed as bananas last night because i can't remember which one i blew
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
Randomize
