I am at a 420 party and i just told a girl "hey, less not getting donuts, more getting donuts"(1-855): and did she get any doughnuts?
No. I am devastated
She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
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