Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
i wish i could watch tv and lissten to music at the same time...but still understand both
i think otters can do that
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
Alex, there's no such thing as a fancy sex store.
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
i sound like a 75 year old homeless man that has spent all his panhandling money on cigarettes since he was 12. that rough.
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
Randomize
