she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
Theres been so much buildup for our genitals to meet, one or both of us is sure to be disappointed.
FOUR LOKO IS YES. SUNDAY MORNING DRUNK IS YES.
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
I went to Christian school in the 90s. I can finger blast anything, but dignity.
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
you started putting peanut butter on your pubes.
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Randomize
