Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
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Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
I will now send you explicit pics of mine and her genetalia bound together forever in the devils dance that is sexting.
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I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
In my opinion the party was fun, but i did A LOT of cocaine so my view was a little distorted......
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
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