I'm playing the sound guy on a porno set
It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
SORRY FOR THE CAPS. I DIDNT CHANGE IT IN TIME AND ITS TOO FAR TO GO BACK NOW. PS IM SUPER BAKED
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
Randomize
