i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
There is a distinct lack of front teeth here.
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
someone who i have in my phone as thundercock just said he was DTF
My lecture teach is passed out next to me. I think I'm doing pretty good for a freshman.
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
I had to ask her to let go of my cock this morning so I could go home. She just kept saying "no, please, no..."
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