6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
You know, be my cock's hype man.
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
Hahah. They reconnected again?
Like with his penis I guess
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
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