Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
He just seriously used the word "skeet." Can we please find another way to get weed?
No. Take one for the team.
She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
Randomize
