If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
I think being an adult is being able to say no to free shots...I need to work on that.
Congratulations, you have helped solved the mysterious disapperance of Dani's phone which was found in the munchies cabinet next to the oreos. Your reward is star power as well as a fat ass bowl of Nebula. You may proceed through the wardrobe and into Narnia for your prize.
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
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