last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
2 showers later and I'm still finding cum on random body parts of mine
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
I'm sitting in my room naked waiting for him. When he gets here im going to make him do 20 pushups and lick my clit for a hour
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
Randomize
