if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
idk how it happened. she made a very smooth transition from crying to blowing me
I just feel like Im gonna be remembered as that one RA guy that used to sell weed
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
Randomize
