I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
Trying to find something to do here is like trying to find a vegan resturant in alabama.
It's 3am, i just got back from ht e bars and registered for classes larteeeeee. History of baseball at 8am? at least ill meet the only stragiht gusy at NYU!
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
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