I am choosing my outfit based on how fast I can get it off. Please help.
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
I can't tell which way is up. Too many corners around his house too. An arbitary assimilation of edges.
Christ, I swear you are the high man's Dr. Seuss.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
Looks like a took a video of myself beating off and passed out last night. I'm classy.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
