Sometimes I find that I've been touching my boob(s) without even realizing it.
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
I just learned in bio that our sole purpose for life is to have sex.. so your high number is acceptable. its actually lacking.
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
Randomize
