MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
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He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
i was really disappointed no one would drink beer from our cleavage last night except for us
I do remember telling her that I was about to pass out soon and then hiding my pants under my bed so she couldn't take my wallet even drunk I'm thinking ahead
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
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That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
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