Hey i just realized that im masturbating in the exact same kind of chair that they are doing it on in this porno
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
My vagina has made plenty life decisions and I would like to point out very few if not any of them were in my favor.
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
Randomize
