I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
My boss' voice literally gives me gas
you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
He was hammered and shot his pistol into the lawn. Next thing I know sheriffs are at our house with M4s. He likes to party
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
She is still out of it but keeps saying ur name she said to tell u dinosaurs aren't real but biscuit with a z made bad choices
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
Randomize
