I can't get into him, he looks really young. I'd feel like I was blowing the Gerber baby.
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
Randomize
