Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
Dude I gave him a bj because he was upset about the NFL draft, if that doesn't lock it down, i don't know what does
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You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
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My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
We just took an Eskimo family picture.. It's pretty cute honestly
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
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